He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
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Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
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Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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