The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
