don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
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