your parents love me but you hate me
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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