I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
