4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
This is not my ceiling
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
