I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
