you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
