You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
