If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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