turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
