I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
