I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
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