Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
