Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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