Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
false alarm, still single
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize