if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
