Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
