I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
