She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
you inspire me to be a worse person
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
