Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
