dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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