I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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