I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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