I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
