I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
