I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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