I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
