the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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