sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
