sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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