Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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