Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
