Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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