I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
25 Things All Men Can Definitely Agree On
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today