I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts