is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..