it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box