Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
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I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
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You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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