I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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