What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
