make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
try to milk me bitch
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