I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
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