we made out on top of his cat.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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