I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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