I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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