im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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