just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
