6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
