one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
