i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
