Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
