I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
