I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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