yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
So much rum. So many feels.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
