So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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