I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Randomize
