if i can run in heels then i can drive
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
