I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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