I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
